If Michael Bay directed Apocalypto…

10,000 B.C. was crap.

Oh, you say you liked it? Have you seen Apocalypto? Did you like that, too? Seriously?

Here’s the only reason you should want to see 10,000 B.C.

Here’s the problem: they’re essentially the same movie. I say “essentially” because I’m not POSITIVE as to how both these movies made it to the big screen without someone raising the same question that I’m about to raise.

Did someone get their hands on an early script for Apocalypto and say, “Hey, we can do this in a different time period and no one will know?” Or did they actually see the film when it came out in 2006 and throw together 10,000 B.C. in two years flat? Seriously, if the special effects budget for this movie wasn’t so large, doing it in under 2 years wouldn’t be that far-fetched.

I know this is all a bunch of heresay, but see both movies in the order they came out and tell me you don’t see it. Let me see if I can break it down without spoilers.

They’re both big budget special effects movies based in the not-too-recent past.

They are both based around a protagonist who has some sort of trial that brings him up from nothing to a highly respected leadership position in his tribe. Guess what this trial involves. Hunting. In both movies.

They both have a storyline centered around this protagonist being separated from his love, resulting in him chasing her for the majority of the film.

They both have the same types of characters. Now any film geek like myself may feel the urge to point out that movies tend to have certain formulas they follow, and that character types commonly follow certain patterns in certain types of movies. To these people, I say this: the same characters died in both movies. That was the dead give away. Shut your face.

Also, the climactic fight scene toward the end of each movie was by far the best part of each film. Very entertaining, until the fight ended, wherein each film returned to crap until the credits rolled. In fact, 10,000 B.C.’s ending was so bad, I almost rewound it because I couldn’t believe my eyes.

Now don’t get me wrong. I did actually enjoy Apocalypto at times. It had it’s moments. Also, I’m sure 10,000 B.C. looked awesome on the big screen (Camilla Belle, yeow!). But after seeing both movies, I can honestly say I was dumbfounded.

If you don’t believe, check out these quotes I found after writing all this by simply googling “Apocalypto and 10,000 BC”:

Boy- did this suck! I guess Roland Emmerich must have really liked APOCALYPTO- because he’s just remade it! Seriously- if you take APOCALYPTO, replace the Myans with cavemen, take out all the violence and make the characters speak English- you’ve got 10,000 B.C.

If Apocalypto was directed by Michael Bay, I think we’d get something like 10,000 B.C.

10,000 B.C. is Apocalypto if it had been made by Uwe Boll.

The last two quotes are my favorite. I don’t often say don’t even waste your time renting a movie, but if you’ve seen Apocalypto, don’t see 10,000 B.C. Your time could be better spent by making me breakfast. Have a good morning.